As sex employees, numerous of us live regularly with prejudice. What if this discrimination comes from those closest to us in healthcare, at work, on the internet, and in many other places? From family, friends, or adult partners? I am familiar with this, and I know it hits where it hurts the most. Even people we care about often have strong, negative opinions about adult sex work. We should not experience this and should not have to because we are worthy of respect and admiration.
I have experienced a lot of discrimination in my intimate relationships because this work stigmatizes people. An offensive ex-partner contacted me terms and expressed that I dealt with my integrity and empathy. I was told that I shouldn’t do adult sex work because I “don’t want to get infected,” which I think is stigmatizing not only against Adult sex workers but also against people with chronic STDs. Accusations from people we care about are very hurtful, especially when it has been proven that sex workers have higher STD testing than the general population because part of our position is to safeguard ourselves and our customers.
What if this discrimination comes from people close to us?
Being with an Adult sex worker is a privilege, not a sacrifice, or at least it shouldn’t be. Recently, there was an issue where a video with someone who is not actively involved in sex work was stolen, and the person was being blackmailed. I felt guilty and like it might be a curse for people to approach me. But it’s not. We don’t believe that it’s our fault that some people see us badly and even work towards our downfall. We don’t deserve to be treated like this or to feel so guilty for associating with them. We’re just doing our job. Many sex workers struggle with dating because it is not easy to find someone who understands what we do, why we do it, and the value and background of this work. When I tell a new person that I am a mistress, I get a million questions, many of which are inappropriate or disrespectful, and I can’t stand it. I have to sift through a lot of people before meeting someone. Many of them tell me, “I envy you,” “I want to beat men for money,” and “It’s easy money,” without understanding the financial, mental, and physical problems that Adult sex work can bring.
Telling your family that you are an Adult sex worker can be very difficult because not all of us have the best relationship with sex workers. To my surprise, my parents took it pretty well – better than when I told them I wasn’t monogamous. Of course, they had a lot of questions and concerns, but I’m proud of my work, and that’s very helpful when telling people. Instilling that confidence helps you avoid some of the prejudices. Or, if you are judged to be prejudiced, you’ll be better protected from them.
Many Adult sex workers have a hard time dating because it’s not easy to find someone who understands what we do…
When someone tells me they want to be involved in adult sex work, either online or in person, I always ask them to be prepared for everyone to know because it’s not uncommon for it to come out in the open. I don’t think it’s fair to deal with the consequences, but there are real risks, so I think it’s important to know about it and be prepared for the prejudices you may receive from society—people in your neighborhood. Adult sex work is a marginal occupation with many good and bad aspects. To the new sex workers who face the harsh discrimination that comes with this profession, I would like to say: “I know you are trying, and you should know that you should be proud of our work.” Not many people dare to live this life with its ups and downs. There is no shame in feeling depressed sometimes, but try to hold on to the good parts and look at the bad parts, too. I know it is hard, but it is even more challenging when the people you love do you nasty things. Sometimes, explaining the background and reasons for your career choice is a good approach; sometimes, it is better to stay silent about it; sometimes, it is best to cut ties, and I think there are many other ways to deal with this issue. No one can tell you what is best for you.
I know your struggles. Please know that we are proud of what we do.
From my personal experience, I try to choose my battles. I told my mother about it with pride as an Adult sex worker and a dominatrix, and she understood. When I meet someone new, if I feel that they are shady or pathological, I filter out their story. It makes me feel isolated sometimes, but it’s the price I pay not to let people judge me. The only people whose opinions matter are me and my customers. I’ve built up a thick skin in this industry, so no one else has the power to make me feel a certain way. That’s very helpful when working in the sex industry. I only let people express their opinions if they feel respected and admired.
I respect many of my colleagues in the Adult sex industry. I think we do meaningful and challenging work and deserve praise. We are both critical and competent – even if
