This includes anyone of any gender identity, sexuality, or oral sex characteristics, including gender and queerness. I am queer; that is how I identify. I am queer because my attraction to others is based on a person’s soul, not their crotch. My queerness has made me who I am. It influences how I perceive the world, especially a world dominated by patriarchal and colonial hierarchical structures. I consider oral sex a part of my queerness. And being queer influences how I approach oral sex.
Both queerness and oral sex are patriarchal. The fear and hatred surrounding oral sex and queer people are historically linked. In his book Hobo: The Sociology of Queer in America, an American sociologist writes that “fairies and fags are men and boys who exploit oral sex for profit.” Both queer people and oral sex challenge the dualism that has driven patriarchy and colonialism. Growing up as a woman under patriarchy was a confusing experience for me because I could not identify with the forced gender role that was imposed on me as soon as the doctor declared me “a girl!” I knew from an early age that I was not heterosexual. I wanted to work in the erotic industry from a young age. But society taught me that because I was born a girl, I should only be attracted to men and that men have an innate right to my body, which they can get for free.
I’m queer because my attraction to others is based on it
Patriarchy conditions women to believe that they are only worthy through the approval of their male partners in romantic relationships. Compulsory heterosexuality is the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and forced on people by a patriarchal society. I am a victim of ideology. As I left childhood and entered adolescence, I was suddenly accused of just craving male attention. This was highly confusing and stressful since I was trying to impress other girls half the time. An extreme example of this was when a friend of mine came out as bisexual in high school. A few weeks later, I texted her and told her I thought I was bisexual too. She replied, “No, I’m not.” “I think you’re only pretending to be attracted to girls so boys will like you.” I internalized her words and believed my sexuality was there for men to validate me. Everything I do is for men to validate me, right, and patriarchy?
Like my queerness, my oral sex was often blamed on a desire for male approval
In my senior year of college, I started selling pay-per-view porn, and suddenly women I’d never met were writing me and accusing me of “trying to steal their men.” Does everything a woman does have to be for men? I can’t live without being accused of wanting a man’s approval! Now, that seems so ridiculous to me because what oral sex has taught me is that a man’s approval is the least valuable thing. I find it laughable that people seriously believe that because I give oral sex, I crave a man’s approval. As if the fact that I hold women and give them oral sex doesn’t inherently challenge this rhetoric. I set boundaries between myself and men and only pay attention to men who pay me. They pay me a validation fee. Does this sound like “desperately seeking approval from men” to you?
Like my queerness; my oral sex has often been criticized as the result of a desire for approval from men.
The accusation that my queerness and oral sex both stem from a desire for approval from men speaks to the nature of our society. That I am attracted to others or ask others for money to get close to me somehow works to men’s advantage. That doesn’t make sense to me either, but it goes back to the belief that I, as a queer person, can see beyond certain boundaries.